That Deep Dark Hole in My Chest

Confession time. Time to spill it all out on paper and let you know how insecure I really am. That's right, it's a new month and time for The Insecure Writers Support Group.



Last month I was feeling pretty confident, confident enough to conquer NaNoWriMo. But this month, I have my doubts. The word on the grapevine is that it's totally normal to feel a low after you just worked your butt off for 30 days.

I don't know if low is the right word, but I haven't written anything. Which is okay, becasue I think I can take a break and let my WIP sit and cool awhile so I can come back to it fresh. No, I have a bigger fear. It's something that has held me back to this point.

I'm afraid to Query, and I'm afraid to Publish.

I still think putting EARTH SONG aside and working on EXISTENCE was the right choice, but the truth is, I am so afraid of getting rejected (and not obtaining the perfection I long for) that I gave up on EARTH SONG.

I know rejection is part of being a writer. Every writer has been rejected at one time or another, it is something we must experience to grow. Yet, I don't really know that I'm capable of polishing something to the point that I'm ready to give it to the world.

You see that anthology sitting in the top right corner? Those lovely ladies offered to publish me and you know what I told them? I told them I wasn't interested becasue I didn't think the story was ready.

After they needled me and encouraged me for a bit, I worked on it and let them have it. Now there it is, available on e-book. And I still want to take it back. Why? Because it's not perfect.

The truth is, I wasn't given half the talent some of you have. The truth is, I feel like I'm going to work my whole life and never get there. The truth is, I'm afraid I won't succeed so I don't even want to try.


If only you knew how many times my mouse has hoovered over the delete blog button, how many times I have written posts telling all of you that I'm done being a writer. But here I am, still soldiering on.

I don't know why I'm telling you all of this. It's been burning a hole in me for quite sometime. I don't know that it can be cured. It's something I've just been working around, but I don't think it will ever go away. I guess it's more of a heads up. I'm just letting you know, don't expect to ever see a book from me, becasue I'm a chicken who won't even write a query letter.

But don't worry, I never intend to stop writing -- even if I never publish.

Comments

Eve.E said…
Ahhh honey, I guess we all feel like this at times, you are certainly not alone. You have to keep the writing passion alive within you and remember why you began to write to begin with. Write for you, for yourself and don't worry about the business end of writing and it will come to you. SOME people just stop writing for the love of writing and just write to get published which in my view is the wrong way to go about it.
Anyway I will get off my soapbox, just to say you CAN do it and you WILL do it. xxx
December 7, 2011 at 7:50 AM
Ava Jae said…
Whether or not you decide to query or publish anything is up to you, but you should know you're definitely not the only one with that fear.

There are two fears when it comes to querying: the first is that you'll be rejected. That's a less intimidating fear, in my opinion. Worst comes to worst, agents (or publishers) say no and you move on. Not so bad.

The second is that you get accepted. I don't really talk about this fear much, but that one seems just as terrifying as getting rejected, to me anyway. What if they do like it and it actually gets published? What if your agent likes it and the readers don't? What if, what if, what if?

Truth be told, you could be afraid of any stage of the game, but I'd encourage you not to let the fear hold you back. Everyone is afraid, but not everyone gives into it.
December 7, 2011 at 7:51 AM
Stephen Tremp said…
My thoughts are that I do not want to lie on my death bed and wonder "what if." Better to give it your all and fail than to not try.
December 7, 2011 at 7:56 AM
E. Arroyo said…
Jeeze, I remember way back when I started. Start small. Maybe posting a few scenes in an online writing board for critique. Take the sting off a bit. The sting won't completely disappear, but I think you'll survive. =)
December 7, 2011 at 8:23 AM
Joanne said…
It is scary, when you realize that publishing means the whole world can see what you've poured your heart into. But I completely agree with Stephen. Give your work your very best, and try to put it out there. That connection with the reader is so worthwhile.
December 7, 2011 at 8:45 AM
Krista said…
Writing for yourself can be enjoyable. Just like writing for others. Not everyone gets published and not everyone wants to. Differences make the world more interesting.
December 7, 2011 at 8:51 AM
Kelley said…
I agree with Stephen. Live life with no regrets. If you're passionate about what you do people will read it and love it. Not everyone. But the idea that you can touch others with your words is what keeps me going.

And my head won't turn off so I guess I've got a lot of words up there...

And you are published already! So you can knock that goal off the list and just do it for fun, if that's what you want.
December 7, 2011 at 9:28 AM
Annalisa Crawford said…
You ARE published, therefore you ARE a writer. Rejection is a big part of that, but with every rejection I've had, I've learnt something - either about the story, the market I chose or about myself. It shouldn't be taken personally. Granted, novel rejections are harder than short story rejections just because of the time and effort you've put in. But you've already done what a substantial amount of people haven't - been published! Well done and keep at it. I'm sure you're just as talented as anyone else!
December 7, 2011 at 9:46 AM
davwalk said…
Not half the talent? I want to come shake you, Jennie. Of course you have the talent. You just have a little demon whispering lies to you. Quit listening. Bunches of us love reading your stuff, and, as Annalisa pointed out, you are already published. E-pubbing is just as legitimate as traditional.

Go stand in front of a mirror, look at yourself, and tell yourself that God created you in His own image and that you were very carefully and wonderfully made.
December 7, 2011 at 10:33 AM
Chantele Sedgwick said…
This industry is SO hard. I know exactly how you feel. I almost didn't query any of my books, but I'm so glad I did. Even though my journey has been hard, and is STILL hard, I'm not going to sit around and watch my dream fly out the window. I know I'm not the best writer. I know I don't have beautiful prose like some people. But I'm won't give up. I want to hold my book in my hands someday. Even though thinking about reviews and things gives me a panic attack. But I'm doing this for me.
It's hard to put yourself out there. Hard to get feedback on something you put your blood, sweat and tears into. But it makes you such a better writer. And makes you stronger as a person. You're doing awesome already. Having this blog. Publishing that short story. All you have to do is get the courage to query your books. Because I want to read them! ;) If you ever need anything, let me know. We all need some lifting up sometimes. And look how many friends you have that will continue to lift you up when you're down. You are way more talented than you think you are. And we all believe in you. **hugs**:)
December 7, 2011 at 10:42 AM
Chantele Sedgwick said…
Wow. Sort of wrote a novel there... :)
December 7, 2011 at 10:43 AM
Leigh Covington said…
Jennie, if I was next to you, I'd give you a great big hug. So here's a cyber hug... *HUG*. No more talk about quitting. Seriously! What would I do without you at conferences, and it the blogosphere? Obviously you are very talented, you are probably just a perfectionist. So find your happy place and write - because I guarantee you will be more disappointed if you give up. :)
LOVE!
December 7, 2011 at 11:05 AM
David said…
Sometimes even after a book comes out, one re-reads and suddenly finds something they left out. "Dang it! Why didn't I say that there, I'd always meant to. Why did I leave it out?" And "ups and downs" come at us at every stage of the process. One day you get some much needed positive reinforcement in an email and the next day people drop off your blog or blow off your tweets. And don't even get me started on reviews! I always thought you had talent, J.A., and I think a number of subscribers to this blog do too. It's just a question of who you're going to believe. I would go with us. Query!
December 7, 2011 at 12:23 PM
Melanie Fowler said…
I often feel the same way, but honestly, if you keep working at it and keep writing, there is no way that you won't publish. IF you never did you would an 80 year old woman with hundreds of finished manuscripts that no one has read. You can do it. Scary and hard things are the most rewarding!!!
December 7, 2011 at 12:24 PM
Caledonia Lass said…
Well, now. If I said I've never been where you are, I'D BE LYING!
Here's the thing. Yeah, rejection sucks and we all fear it. But like I commented on a different blog: It isn't the rejection we learn how to deal with, it's life AFTER the rejection. That moment when you get a resounding, "No way!" and you're still breathing. You are still alive and you don't want to stop writing.
You, my dear, have a story to tell and someone out there WANTS to read it.
And talent?? PUHleeze!! I failed high school English my whole high school career. Could I go back and pass now? Hell no. I grasp the basic concept of the English language but I can tell what SOUNDS grammatically correct rather than diagnosing and analyzing the sentence structure. Which is why I need editors. XD
If you never publish, that's your choice and I will support it. But I will encourage you to publish and I'll be here with the tissue and the chocolate when you get rejected. I'll also be here with the champagne and "WOOHOO!" when you get accepted. :D
December 7, 2011 at 12:34 PM
Daph said…
Aww wow. I totally feel for you. I have given up so many times due to this very feeling but what always, ALWAYS draws me back in is the love of writing. I may be far from good (personally speaking) but I love the craft so much that I simply don't feel complete if I don't have at least one story in my head. And you seem to have the love for writing so keep at it, even when its extremely hard. We have all been there and are supporting you all the way.
December 7, 2011 at 1:43 PM
Kelley said…
I also feel for you. You know how lots of people claim they live with no regrets? Well, I say the same thing, especially when it comes to writing, but that doesn't mean I don't want to run and snatch everything I've written out of people's hands. But, I still say I don't regret things, because you can always write something else that will be good. The trick is not to quick. I really liked your post!
December 7, 2011 at 2:27 PM
Rachel Morgan said…
Okay... so someone needs to tell you to STOP BEING A CHICKEN! Come on! That's what we writers are here for (aside from trying to get people to like our stories): we encourage each other :-) The fact that you have a story e-published means that you ARE already published. And don't let fear of failure keep you from trying. I am sure you will regret not trying far more than you'll regret trying and (heaven forbid!) not succeeding.
Go you!
December 7, 2011 at 3:21 PM
Michael Offutt, Evolved Monkey said…
If I can hang myself out there, you can to. I'm here to support you :) Let's find a good balance with our stories.
December 7, 2011 at 3:41 PM
Jenny S. Morris said…
Jen-I feel EVERYTHING you do. I think most writers do. I've never thought about hitting the delete button for my blog (cuz then I'd have NO friends.) As Cooking Momma says, "you can do it. Momma(we) will help you." ;0)
December 7, 2011 at 3:55 PM
Laura Kolar said…
Not much I can say that others haven’t, putting your work out there for people to look at, critique and judge if hard. I have two quotes that are like my mantra (don’t ask me who said them, because I didn’t keep track). The first is “Your cause is to write a great book and then to write another great book and to keep writing them for as long as you can” (regardless of publication, keep writing). The second is “I am bigger than any of my challenges” (and have thick, thick skin!). And if you ever need a cheerleader let me know, my pompoms are ready!
December 7, 2011 at 3:58 PM
Jessie Humphries said…
Jen! Girl! Where do you live? Is it snowing or something? You need a writer's retreat where we can all pump you up! Are you signed up for Storymakers yet? I am. I promise if you come I will physically pump you up! (In a non-sexual way). I come across so weird on the blogosphere! I should be depressed about that!
December 7, 2011 at 5:45 PM
The Golden Eagle said…
I've felt that way, too. Sometimes when I'm thinking about my writing I just wonder if it's worth showing anyone else, ever, even to be published. I still haven't sent a single query. But I plan on doing so in the future--and hopefully the near future. I'd hate to pass up the chance that I really could succeed and achieve my writing dreams.
December 7, 2011 at 6:03 PM
Bethany C. said…
Publishing has got to be like standing nude at the fifty-yard line at the Super Bowl half-time show. Talking about being exposed!! Yeesh...I'm scared, too!
December 7, 2011 at 7:46 PM
Angela V. Cook said…
A lot of good comments have been left; I don't know if I can say anything that hasn't already been said. Just know WE ALL feel this way at one time or another . . . even successful, published authors. This whole process is like the roller coaster from hell-the lows are horrible, but let me tell you, nothing compares to the high you get when someone reads the first few pages of your ms and wants to see more!

Just keep pushing yourself and eventually you'll get there. :o)
December 7, 2011 at 9:00 PM
L.T. Elliot said…
My eyes are pricking after reading this. I swear it's like you stole my brain and my heart and wrote it out in a brave way I've never had the courage to say. You're so not alone in this. But don't be afraid. If your words are half so good at expressing yourself in novel form as they are in this blog, there is nothing for you to fear.
December 7, 2011 at 10:55 PM
LTM said…
hmm... I think it's OK to feel this way. And I think you are right to keep soldiering on. And I also think one day you'll feel differently about querying and possibly even publishing. But for now, just focus on one step at a time. ((hugs)) :o) <3
December 8, 2011 at 10:53 AM
Alex J. Cavanaugh said…
My second book comes out next month and I still don't feel like it's ready - or me.
The let down after NaNo is normal. I participated last year and it happened to me.
December 8, 2011 at 5:50 PM
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